Survival quilt...

As promised - here are pictures of "the survival quilt"!!

My quilt top for my mom was finally gifted to her on Christmas eve!

After a year and a half of working on it every spare minute I got - it is finished!

I never imagined when I started that this project would be as big or mean as much as it has...

Each of the twelve blocks were done seperately.

All the wool pieces were hand cut and fused on to the fabric.

Then each piece was handstitched in place.

Sometimes when you work on a project of this magnitude - you get sick of it along the way.

BUT I still absolutely LOVE this quilt!!

It is made of the cuddliest flannel!

And it is jam packed with love in every stitch!

My mom (as a quilter) appreciates every second that went into it and

I love that this has become an "Over the top" heirloom" that can be handed down through the generations as my great grandma's and mothers quilts have been!

I always joke that, I (and my kids) have always been "quilt" people!
We love snuggling and have many great quilts in our house so of course it is special but
I call it my "survival quilt" because when our world got uprooted last fall - there were many days that I wanted to just give up... on work, on family, on projects and on life in general.
This quilt project kept me going - I knew there would be an end result that would show how much I had accomplished and I was determined to NOT GIVE UP!!

SO... I stitched...

while surrounded by good friends and family in conversation,

on the beach, in the car and while watching movies,

while I was shedding tears and missing my old life,

while I was learning what me new life was starting to be like,

while I was happy,

while I was lonely,

while I was hopeless,

while I was determined that life would not always be sad!

SO CHEERS! To the "survival quilt"!!

For me it will always be a symbol of all that I have learned and how far I have come!

I hope years from now - others that I can only imagine - will appreciate

all the heart and soul that come with this quilt!

And yes - another quilt has been started in its place!! Ü

A Happy and Healthy 2009 to each of you!

I love you all!

Leave it to Aaron...

Aaron thought he would help out the

fire dept by shovelling around the hydrant...

he must have been bored?

Cute - he was afraid they couldn't get to it if there was a fire...

Then he must of got really bored...

I came home to an ice rink in the driveway...

I said, buddy... what the heck?

he said, Uncle Bruce has a bigger one mom, mine is small.

I said, Uncle Bruce has a well, he doesn't have to pay for water - I do!!

BUT... it really is kind of cool...

and he was so excited and proud...

and I think I may have to use it tomorrow...

I just hope someone doesn't

slip and fall and I end up with an insurance claim for good old Uncle Bruce!!

Note: This was two days ago, we now have another 6 inches of snow!

Winter Wonderland!!!!

Let it snow???

As I was getting up to go work out, I forgot that it had snowed! I woke up to 3 1/2 inches more of fluffy white stuff again this morning...

Where is global warming now that I am single?????? Hello!!

I was the first one in the neighborhood out to shovel today (very unusual!) And actually, it was so peaceful and serene with the fresh white blanket of sparkly snow that I really did not mind. (bonus: it was Fluffy, Light Snow)

Plus I multi-tasked... I had a load of laundry running and shovelling became my workout! Good feeling to have it all done...

Let it snow??? I am excited to go snowshoe-ing this weekend though so ok, maybe... just a little more?

12 Days of Christmas

If you read my last post about the Christian christmas music played at the band concert last night, the other song they played in the trio was "The Twelve Days of Christmas" which I thought... ok, they played two christian and one secular, makes sense I guess.

But that song has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?
Today, I found out. (Thanks Kristie)

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.
The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. (AND they played three Christian songs last night - ha!)

You have to admit that you wondered too right?

Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas Everyone

Christmas concert

Last night was Aaron's Christmas Band concert and I so look forward to getting to hear him play. It always means Christmas is just around the corner and I am amazed at how great they all sound together.

He is the tallest kid and seeing that ear to ear grin and him, so handsome in his uniform in the middle of the percussion section, makes me so proud. (Plus... he is really good!) :D

The Christmas music is always the traditional Santa songs and carols.

Last night - a pleasant surprise!!
At a school function, they actually played "O Come, O Come Emanuel" and "What Child is This" - two of my all time favorites! I sat there with goosebumps (they sounded so pure and sweet) as I was reminded of the true reason for the season...

Not sure how those songs were chosen and I actually heard two people discussing it on the way out but I say kudos, to whoever "slipped" those beautiful christian pieces in... they made my night!

Snow day...

OK - remember, if I there was a Santa, I was going to get a "snow day" because it was exactly what I wanted for Christmas???? Here is the story of how yesterday played out...

When I found out about out our "snow policy" on Monday - I called my two Tuesday testers and let them know if Appleton schools closed, we would be closed. No problem.

We also had a "room rental" for the first time since I was here. Basically a local business was renting out our facility so I checked on how to handle it. Was told they had been contacted, to post a sign on the door when I left on Monday saying "closed due to weather" and if I came in, take it down. Cool. Easy. I can do that.

Left work - TOTALLY ANTICIPATING A DAY TO LAZE AND GET STUFF DONE! Lisa and Danielle came over and we had a couple of drinks and watched the snow fall and planned what we would do on our "snow day" the next day!

Tuesday, 6:00 a.m. - Heard Appleton Schools were closed on radio!
Tuesday, 6:10 a.m. - Brittany plopped into my room to announce that there was no school and she was going back to bed.
Tuesday, 6:12 a.m. - Got a text from a friend about "playing" on our snow day... lunch... some decorating... starting to make plans
Tuesday, 6:15 a.m. - Get a call from my plow buddy, Travis... knows I usually need to be plowed by 7:15 to make it to work but if I didn't need him, he was swamped. Told him no worries, he had all day!
Tuesday, 6:16 a.m. - Back to dreamland!
Tuesday, 6:33 a.m. - Phone call... uh oh... (608) are code. Madison. Not Good, Corporate. It was my HR guy saying that "someone" needed to open the office for the room rental, they had not been contacted and had people here from out of state. I needed to be there by 8 a.m. Told him OK, nicely. Hung up and moaned loudly!!! uggggggghhhhhh Darn snow!! How can the word SNOW sound so lovely in "Snow Day" and so annoying in "Snow Removal"???
Tuesday, 6:35 a.m. - Texted friends that snow day plans were off... sad thing.
Tuesday, 6:38 a.m. - Looked out front window and realized that there was about 3 1/2 feet of snow at the end of my driveway and that there was no way I was backing over it to get to work and letting Travis clean up the mess later... double uggggghhhhh
Tuesday, 6:45 a.m. - started shoveling, got a nice section done (note: very heavy wet snow, not the fluffy white stuff) where I could just ease the car through after about 20 minutes. Stood back to rest and contemplate my work and think that the positive side was I just got some excercise. No lie... the snow plow comes down the street again and I look right in his eyes as he completely fills in what I had just shovelled. (I know that he got some preverse pleasure out of that, I could just tell!) At this point, I told myself, "Colleen, when are you gonna learn - there is no Santa Claus!)
Tuesday, 7:10 a.m. - start shovelling again!! My neighbor, Al happened down with his snowblower - thank god! He did the heavy stuff and I did the front walk. Aaron (precious child) got up to help and first thing commented that he had seen the snow plow incident and the look on my face said that I wanted to kill the driver... (I was slightly embarrassed about this, but just slightly!) Al finished the driveway (saved me $15 for the plow job, still looking for the good in this) and Aaron and I headed over to help the older neighbor lady shovel hers.
Tuesday, 7:30 a.m. - Hit the shower...
Tuesday, 7:58 a.m. - Made it to work on roads that had hardly been plowed - 2 minutes ahead of time to find out that our snow removal service knows that if Appleton Schools are closed, we are closed and they had delayed out snow removal til later in the day assuming there was not hurry. Suffice to say that no one was happy to walk in 6 inches of snow and I had more than my fair share of shovelling AGAIN!!

I did miss the day lazing in my jammies and hanging out with the kids...The plus side is - it was an exceptionally slow day other than locating a business that would deliver them lunch! I was told I could leave but a tester had been really disappointed that they could not test so I rescheduled and figured as long as I was there, what the heck? My boss recommended I spend the day getting my online Christmas shopping done and gave me a half day to take at my discretion yet before Christmas - (score!! ok, so maybe there is a Santa?) I had thought to throw mom's quilt in, got a ton done on it while listening to Christmas music and watching the snow fall, my neighbors came again and removed the second batch of snow and plow droppings, Brittany made Christmas cookies and did laundry and baked chicken, Aaron shovelled the deck and around the hot tub... hmmmmm... maybe being at work wasn't so bad??

The best news... I have been worried to death about renting the long arm to finish mom's quilt - it has been booked for moths with everyone completing Christmas projects...
Called the quilt store... last minute cancellation!!! With my bonus day, I will be able to rent the long arm machine 12/22, mom is going to meet me there and watch and assist with the completion, we are going to have Christmas girls dinner together to catch up and enjoy each other before the busy holiday! I am so excited - mom's quilted portion should be done on Dec. 22!!! There will only be the binding to do and am hoping to complete it on the 23rd on my planned, leisurely day off before Christmas and (knock on wood) it should be wrapped and ready for delivery on Christmas morning!! Just like I planned - ha!!!

There is NO planning... is there? But the unexpected surprise of a 1/2 day when I want it and someone else taking care of the snow, Christmas cookies?? Not a bad trade off, all things considered!! AND the snow sure is pretty today... when I don't have to think about moving it!!

Sure is good for a laught today! I can just hear the snow plow driver telling his story about me also! :D

Have a great day!!

Joy!

Life will bring you pain all by itself.
Your responsibility is to create joy.
-- Milton Erickson, MD

Thanks Kristie - you were right, I absolutely love it!
{{huggs}}

Christmas memories...

Christmas is always so nostalgic for me... and I cannot, nor do I want to... decorate in a hurry. I am a putt-zer!
I like to open the rubbermaid containers and look at the ornaments that I was given as a child, the ones that my children have received and savor the memories that go with them. I have items that people have lovingly crafted and favorite cards I re-read and let's face it, it takes time (probably the thing I have the least of).

To be honest - last year at this time was brutal. I had to go through and divide out half of everything Christmasy and separate items for each child - it was the crucial blow to me that my blended family had fallen apart and we would not be celebrating the holiday as we had. I got through it... somehow... painfully.

But I just could not bring myself to decorate. I did not want to face all those old memories while I was hurting so badly and too be honest, I was afraid of starting new ones with the thoughts that they too may be shattered. Finally, a week before Christmas, Aaron kicked me in the butt. He said, that's it mom, it is time to decorate the tree. He proceeded to haul up all the rubbermaid and even put up the tree, forcing me to decorate!! I was so thankful he did but was ashamed it was not me making Christmas fun for my kids... BUT that was the nudge I needed... I went into auto pilot and pulled out exactly what we needed and decorated in a hurry so the memories would not seep in. I somehow pulled it together and we had a somewhat merry christmas after all. (The best that could be expected at least!)

This year, I am savoring... each moment... each memory. The rubbermaid has been in the kitchen for 5 (yes 5) days and I am sorting and remembering the people I have loved and lost, so many wonderful memories, funny stories, santa visits, past Christmas traditions, thinking about new Christmas traditions, realizing that Brittany will be at college next year and realizing that life changes - whether we want it to or not.

But somethings don't... deep down, who we are, does not change...

Because of this blog I have been lucky enough to reconnect with two people from my past that meant the world to me 23 years ago and we have re-connected to realize that part of our journey is to create bonds and touch lives and some of those bonds can never be broken, even though the world steps in.
I have been having the hardest time with not being able to see my step-daughters. I vacillate between being angry that I was just a "nanny" and missing them so much my heart breaks. I somehow want them to know that even though there dad chose to divorce me, I did not "divorce" them. I truly have wondered if all I did and everything I shared with them, all those years, was in vain.

Amy and Kim, my nieces from 25 years ago reconnected with me in the last few weeks. They were like 8 and 6 when I last was with them. They both let me know that although I was only in their lives for a few years, they have never forgotten me. The things I taught them (our projects and crafts) and the time we spent was very important and they have never forgotten their "Auntie Colleen". And I have never forgotten them and all the wonderful memories we shared! Their e-mails were truly an answer to prayer and have shown me that even though Jen and Brooke are teenagers and "don't quite get that the world is not all about them" and don't seem to have time for me - someday, someday they will appreciate and understand.
Amy and Kim are now moms and wives with children of their own and I look forward to getting to know them as adults and friends!! Thank you both for following your hearts and being led to share your lives with me! I love you and have missed you both a ton!!

The christmas decoration above is one of my absolute favorites but one I hid, way in the bottom of the rubbermaid last year. This year is proudly sits on top of my refrigerator!!
A "project" memory - go figure! Each of the four kids painted a square and then signed their name on it. There was spilled paint and arguing over brushes and Jennie was in the stage where she wrote her 9's backwards for the year and laughing... all 9 years ago. It seems like yesterday!
The time that we spent doing this was invaluable and they all have a little bit of craftiness in them now (some more than others) and I know, as a mom and step-mom, I helped foster that with this and other projects. Just as each day and minute we spent together helped make us all who we are today!!

We can be stripped of a lot in this world but we cannot lose the times and things and people and memories that we hold dear and choose to hold close in our hearts!! So my rubbermaid might sit in my kitchen a couple of days yet, kiddos... (Brittany is groaning as she just had her friends over at lunch as I was "putt-zin" on my break) Someday you can look back and smile about mom and her rubbermaid and her memories!!

Thank you, each one of you for having touched my lives and for listening to my ramblings and for sharing one of my most valued "lessons" of this most blessed season! And I am so blessed to have been given the chance to have touched your lives, Kim and Amy and Jennie and Brooke and Brittany and Aaron!! And all the rest of you. Thank you for touching mine!

Just had to take a minute to post our "half" of a christmas tree. Hee, hee

Our living room is pretty small, so instead of opting for a small dinky tree ona tabletop, Aaron helped me put up half the tree.

No, not the top half.

Literally half of the circumference and we wired it to the wall so it kind of looks like it is growing right out of the wall.

I have to admit that the white lights and having the tree up has finally made it seem like Christmas...

But unfortunately, Kyle the Kitty seems to think that this is his new toy. That beautiful ribbon has already come off twice and been halfway down my hallway and the pinecones are just too much for him to avoid! I feel like I have a toddler in the house again! I can just imagine how the wrapping paper will be chewed off the presents!

P.S. I just found out that when Appleton schools closes, our office closes!! They are saying 8 to 14 inches for us!! I have to admit that I feel just like a kid in school possibly waiting for a snow day!

SNOW DAY!! Doesn't that sound wonderful? A whole extra day at home to stay in my jammies and try to get organized and start baking and just hang "in"? I will even take the shovelling!!

(I broke down and hired someone to plow my driveway, just no time!!)

I was joking because out of all the things that I could have asked Santa for - a whole extra unplanned day off would be exactly what I want and need. I really do love my job but am selfishly keeping my fingers crossed.

I still believe Santa, I still believe!!

Stay tuned!!

The big hunt...

Aaron transitioned from deer camp back to reality at mom's on Wednesday night. He had a great time, has many cute stories and new memories (and I am sure some I won't ever hear about!) AND he was SO TIRED!!
Unfortunately, there were no deer shot at hunting camp this year in Amberg. He is bummed but on the way home on Friday, we got to stop in Marinette to see Cody's 3 pointer he shot that morning... Aaron was thrilled for him (and a little jealous) but they were fun to watch together as they discussed all the details.
There is a lot of talk of a new Remington and Aaron is already dreaming of next year and his "30 pointer"...
Thanks Grandpa for all your work to make hunting camp happen to accomodate all that great male bonding. As you commented, it is a lot more fun setting up hunting camp than taking it down... your hard work is appreciated by many!! It is probably a lot like labor, you tend to forget how much work it is until you get back into that same position going, what the heck??

Gratitude...

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melodie Beattie

Thankful...

Yesterday, I accepted a new position at work! I am moving into Education Sales three days a week!! I am ready for a new challenge plus it will give me a little more flexibility with my hours and the opportunity to earn commission!! Yahoo!!!Ü

I am glad that I have so much to be thankful for, even with our struggling economy. I worry "what if" especially on a single income but I should know better... somehow it always works out.

I also am extremely thankful and sentimental today for another reason... 17 years ago, I cooked my first and only Thanksgiving dinner at my parents. Mom had just come through a kidney cancer diagnosis and removal of the kidney. She was released just in time to spend the holiday with us and she was even able to hobble to the kitchen to make her awesome " grammy gravy"!

Brittany was a baby at the time and mom was so worried that she would not be around to watch her grow up or to have other grandchildren. She has lovingly grandmothered (like no one else could) 3 more and two great grandchildren besides.

We worried that we would not have her another Thanksgiving but we have been so blessed and lucky that she is still here with us, 17 Thanksgivings later. I cannot wait to enjoy another yummie traditional Thanksgiving meal (no holds barred -crystal and china and silver, the whole sha-bang) with mom at the head of the table. I can almost taste that "grammy gravy" already!

"I have more than I need; much more than I deserve, and I overlook things far too often. However, I am grateful. Not just today, but as I look back in my life I see how much I have been given. I'm glad that we have a holiday and time to spend thinking about our blessings" - I am SO blessed!

I hope you have a lot to be thankful for in your own life. I wish for you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Let it snow...

Quick note: Yesterday, I finally got around to getting those shovels that I was so worried about buying...

Then guess what? This morning, I woke up to about 4 inches of beautiful, white fluffy snow...
It was me. I jinxed us. I know

For today, it was beautiful! And it got me in the winter, christmas mood... cute blog background, hey? On the weekend the snowman decorations will take over our house!!

It won't be long and I will probably be complaining about shoveling but not today!! ( It all melted off the sidewalks by noon! Gotta love that!)

Kimberly - State Champions - 2nd year in a row!!

My best friend Lisa - go Papermakers!

Cold but fun!! I had a blast with Brit!

Thanks for a great time baby girl!

One of those days...

I know - we all have them...

~The alarm did not go off this morning so I woke up late...
~I stubbed my toe as I got out of the shower (because I was running late)...
~I ran out of toothpaste...
~I forgot to take my dress pants out of the washer last night...
~I gave all my cash to the kids for lunch, tickets to the playoff game, tshirts for the playoff game, leaving me none for lunch and no time to pack one...
~Was almost late to work...
~Felt completely overwhelmed with thinking about getting Aaron to hunting trying to make sure he has everything he needs, remembering all I needed to pack for Brit and I to go to Kimberly's final game at state tomorrow, wondering if they would find a temp for me to be able to take off work tomorrow, thinking about the recycling and the leaves to rake and shovels that I need to buy before it snows...
~Felt sorry for myself that there was no "significant other" to wake me up on time (or even care that I was late), to help with the packing and the raking and the shovel buying...
~Realized that I forgot my work laptop at home, once I got to work, almost late...
~Tried to transfer the load of clothes (with my dress pants)when I ran back home to get my laptop. BUT my awesome, new, red, "Jetsons" washing machine only blinked DOOR LOCKED over and over - IT REFUSED to give up my wet clothes.
~Had a few messes to clean up at work (of course, work could not even go smoothly right?)...
~The printer broke trying to print nametags for a last minute project...
~UGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Fortunately, a co-worked offered to buy lunch and we ordered chinese (OK, maybe it isn't SO bad to be out of $$) and guess what my fortune was?

"You have so much to be thankful for" - ir doesn't get more simple than that...

Puts it all in perspective, doesn't it? This day too shall pass!! Hoping that all the bad stuff happens in one day and glad that tomorrow will be a new one!!

Hunting season is upon us...

I truly believe that Aaron has developed ADHD! Fortunately, it is a temporary condition for him - it stands for "All Dedicated Hunters Disease"... I don't know how this develops or why (as I do not get the whole hunting thing) but he has every symptom.

~ He talks non stop about hunting camp

~ He bugs me daily (OK really, ten times a day) to get his hunting license

~ He obsesses with the food (and the amount of food) that will be available "up nort"

~ He bounces off the walls, drums on contertops and prances around in anticipation of "Opening Day"

~ He has fulfilled every requirement and the necessary grades to allow him to spend a week with "the guys" and grandpa

~ He cannot wait to "bring home the big one" and "feed the family" from his first deer.

All kidding aside - it has been fun to watch him be so excited about something! Hunting for his first time, IS a HUGE deal! The fact that he will enjoy some great male family bonding is just a bonus that he appreciates and looks forward to almost as much. (Let's face it, being the only male in the household HAS to get old at times)

Unfortunately you cannot see the ear to ear smile on his face as he signed his hunting license but as his mom - I enjoyed every moment!! Good luck Aaron!

Finally... I feel like me again...

Saturday... I found "me" again...
I don't know why or how come or the reason or the timing or what took so darn long but something just clicked.
Maybe my mourning period is over, maybe it is called giving up and giving in, maybe all the times I "slapped" myself finally worked, maybe it is all the thousands of prayers, maybe I have decided that I have "wasted" enough time and maybe it is finally, just "TIME"...

Life goes on... time heals...

Don't get me wrong, it still frustrates me...
that someone could throw my life (and my kids life) into such a tailspin...
that choices and decisions were made that I had no say in....
that someone could break every promise they ever made...
that I gave my heart and 110% of myself, for what?...
that a blended family, could "unblend" so quickly...
that he "regrets his actions" everday...

That may sound bitter... I'm not... but it is raw... it is my pain.

More than anything, it makes me sad that I believed him, that I shared my kids, my family, my heart and our lives. Ultimately, he didn't deserve it... but I don't regret the time with Jen and Brooke. I hope I a made a difference in their lives that they will never forget. They did in mine!

Pete asked me if I hate him?? I don't and I can't but as I told him, I am still so deep down disappointed that he gave up - that sums it all. Along the way, I lost bits of respect but when that happened, when he threw in the towel... I lost all respect.

=Charlotte Elizabeth Aisse
I could never love where I could not respect...

I am not over him... I will probably never get over him... I am scared to death to ever think of "trusting" anyone again. My mom told me that it takes 3 years to get past a divorce. I believe that.
In my mind, there is no timeline... it takes experiencing every emotion, grief, frustration, question, memory - both good and bad.
BUT...
for today...
I have more good days than bad.
and I am thankful for the spot that we have landed.
I am done "wallowing"!
I am not "normal" but I probably never was! (I know my brothers and kids are laughing at that)

Whatever the reason... all I know is it sure feels good. :)
I really think it is called "peace"... I am at peace with where I am - for today.

Webster defines peace as
2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

I am getting there... slowly but surely. And looking forward to the future, for the first time in a long time. (((hugs))) to all of u!

Was unsure I would see this again...

I had to look twice... Gas? Finally under $2.00??

I giggled, sang and smiled all the way to work on my newly filled gas tank!!!

Some days it is the smallest things...

It has been a tough couple of weeks financially and I have been playing the game of only partially filling the tank.

Always hoping that the prices will go down "just a little more" before the next fill !!

Somehow, someway - it always works and there is enough!

So true...

A true friend sent this to me today... thank you!

God doesn't give you the people you want,
He gives you the people you NEED.

To help you,
to hurt you,
to leave you,
to love you...

to make you into the person you were meant to be.

Too funny not to share!

The biggest lesson that I have learned this year is that so much of what I have tried to keep quiet or hidden in my life, does not stay there... at some point - it all gets laid out there for the world to see! So what you are getting on this blog is "tranparency" - my feelings, thoughts and (often random) ramblings as I continue down the road of healing through "journaling"!

This involves a toilet so I will spare you the photos and I will try to paint a picture so you too, can laugh!
In a rush of running errands on Tuesday night, I did not have time to "potty" so was waiting until I got home (anyone who knows me at all knows I am always running for a potty, usually last minute!)
I had just talked to Aaron on the phone, he assured me, "all is fine at home, the kitty is good and I am at Dylan's playing video games".
I rushed to get home, unloaded bags and boxes from my car and RAN to the bathroom.... To find a toilet that was about 1/4" from overflowing and a plunger sticking out of the top. As I found a pail and emptied water out of the bowl into a pail, (let me note - no floaters, just pulpy wet toilet paper) and grabbed the plunger...
Aaron called to tell me, "oh yeah mom, I forgot to tell you, the toilet is plugged".
(REALLY???)
I was plunging away (with no luck) when a friend came to pick me up for dinner...
I quickly got over my pride and embarrassment of asking people for help... swallowed hard...
and asked for his assistance (something that I am becoming better and better at).
(Talk about humbling... help with a plugged toilet though????)
He is a big guy but after about 5 minutes, declared that I would have to call a plumber with a snake... ughhh! I decided that we could make it one night with a bucket and hadit all set up with a big note for the kids.
Then... my neighbor Brent happens to stop over - he decides to take the plunge (sorry - hee, hee) but nothing, it is not budging at all!
The decision is made to call Aaron to see WHAT the toi=toi is plugged with. He sheepishly admits, "I have been putting the kitty's droppings and litter down the toilet" CLUMPING KITTY LITTER - which has now become almost concrete!!!!!!!
I hear... "I didn't know mom!!!"
Brent is determined - he heads home and comes back with a "homemade" snake and announces that he is going to give it "the U.P. plunge". After about 10 minutes of being in water up to his elbows and a lot of determination - success!!! After many funny little "poopy" jokes and comments - he heads home... happy that he was able to help and waving his "snake" - and me - smiling and very grateful that he is so handy!!
Ya know - another small lesson in life - there is always two ways to look at everything. Meet the challenge, determined, head on... or run and hide!
It has been a year of "meeting the challenge" - part of me wants to yell - hooyah! bring it on!! But I dare not... let's just say, I am thankful for the support and friends that will help me through the tough times and for the ability to be humble and laugh... as I am sure there will be more to come!!

A Time for everything???

As I rounded the corner this morning, I was shocked and saddened to see that all the leaves were gone from my beautiful tree. :( What a difference a few days makes... it reminded me how fleeting time is... and it quickly put me in a dark mood...

In the next hour, the weather turned more bleak and dismal - as did my day. I received a call that a very good family friend, Gail, lost her battle with cancer yesterday - 5 years to the day the we lost my Aunt Ruby and her daughter (my cousin) Neo in a tragic auto accident. All 3 were phenomenal, extra-ordinary women who positively affected so many lives in their time with us and I find myself again questioning as have so many times this past year... why???? Oftentimes, admittedly, very angrily...

I am saddened to lose such a good person in my life but smiling that, for a season and a reason... she was here with us. She truly believed in Jesus and I can imagine her beautiful voice, singing with the angel choirs in heaven - louder and fuller than all the others because she is finally free from all pain and suffering...

I found myself listening to this song over and over today by one of my new favorite singers... http://www.myspace.com/nicolsponberg - click on "How Deep The Father's Love" to hear a beautiful reminder.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:Ecclesiastes 3:1-3

Aaron's bad news...

Aaron found out this week that his best buddy in the world, Jake is moving to Texas with his family. He cannot even stand to talk about it and wells up every time he thinks about it. My heart hurts for him... it has been such a tough year of losing people he loves. I keep reminding him that good friends can stay good friends even with a distance between them and to make the most of the time they have together before the move, which will happen at the end of the school year. Here is a picture of the two goofballs!! We will miss him - he seems like part of the family! :(

My daily gift from God...

Whenever asked my favorite season, it has always been FALL!!! DEFINITELY!!! without a second thought. While I do enjoy all 4 seasons in Wisconsin... if we only got a month of winter, I would be MUCH happier. Ü

This photo does not do it justice but this is my full glass view from my desk at work, everyday. As you can see in the background, every other tree around is barren BUT right outside my desk, I have this beautiful display of God's artistic creativity! Every night, for at least the past month... as I leave work, I take one last peak and wonder if, tomorrow all the leaves will be down. But everyday... as I round the corner, I am surprised that the tree is still radiant!! And when I am lucky enough to have a day filled with sunshine besides??? WOW!
I have 5 of the same trees in my yard and they have all lost 95% of their leaves! (I know that because I have already raked 5 times!!) I don't know why this tree still has it's leaves but I know that I am blessed, for another day... to have such a beautiful view!

Why is this such a blessing? A year ago, I was suffering from the breakup of a relationship, losing health insurance with a pending divorce AND I was stuck in a cube, staring at a wall, in a darkened room feeling like a mushroom! My job was extremely stressful and although I was supposedly"advancing myself", everyday I felt like I was losing the battle, getting more overwhelmed while being asked to do the work of 3 people... with no end in sight. I was also expected to travel often (as a single mom? RIGHT!)! My boss was a tyrant and not a good person... How could I win?? I dreaded going to work most days but how could I even think of finding time to look for a different job. My days and my spirits were dark and overcast!

When I was suddenly fired... without warning... on top of every other disaster in my personal life... I felt like the world's biggest loser! Along with the additional stress of the divorce, the house for sale and where were we going to live... it was now - what was I going to do for work? Will I even be able to find a job? How will we eat? Would I start all over with vacation? Could it possibly get any darker? It could and it did but...

All I can say is... everything for a reason! Losing my job gave me a lot! It gave me:

• 6 weeks off paid - during a time when my children needed me and I "NEEDED" to be there for them and not working!
• Time to pack and get my house ready to move when it sold!
• Time to show my home, sometimes with only an hour notice!
• Time to learn to play the banjo!
• Time to make 3 quilts and kept my mind off my personal problems, at least temporarily!
• Time to see that "being busy" is not always the answer - sometimes we need quiet times!
• Time to nap when my body and mind were wiped out from worry!
• The option to roll my 401K - which let me take a temporary loan on my house downpayment (without a penalty) so that I could purchase our new home, BEFORE our old home had sold!
• Time to be a little choosy about the new job I took so I did not have to take the first one offered!

And ultimately, HE gave me a new, way better, over the top, job - that I love! With better pay, phenomemal health insurance and other benefits, the same amuont of vacation days, surrounded by great people and MUCH less stress, with a chance to make a difference in the lives of my co-workers, with the opportunity to feel needed and appreciated - AND WITH A WINDOW SEAT with light everyday!! What a difference "light" makes in our daily lives and in the world!!

On the way in to work today, as I turned the corner and saw "my tree"... I was listening to a remake of an old hymn that I loved as a child - there is a line that says, "His eye is on the sparrow and I know, he watches me." Need I say more?

P.S. I know that HE can't keep the leaves on my tree forever but for today... I am smiling because they are still there!!

Our newest addition...

Meet Kyle... (we think - so far that is the name the kids agreed on) our newest addition to 409 South Harriet St...

A friend introduced me to him yesterday and I instantly fell in love - he came to work with me immediately and snuggled on my lap all afternoon. (Yes, work is pretty easy going!) He faired pretty well on his first night away from his mom and brothers, slept all night with Aaron and no crying at all. He finally pee-ed - IN THE LITTER BOX, mind you - at 6:30 this morning! Good kitty!

Both kids love him to death already and we all took turns holdin and snuggling him - he finally purred about 10:00 last night but Aaron had already decided kitty was sleeping with him - litter box, food dish and all! We are hoping the rest of his transition goes as smoothly as his first night and are looking forward to lots of good cuddle time with our new buddy!

Laughter... the best medicine...

I had to take a moment to blog about the slide show below...
Uncle Ken was sweet enough to bring his AWESOME digi camera over this weekend and shoot some family pictures for us for our Christmas cards. What sometimes can be such a dreaded event (posing for the camera) actually turned out to be a lot of fun. We had a beautiful day... and some of the pics caught the beautiful fall colors perfectly but more importantly, we had a great time together!

This past year, as I tried to maintain a positive outlook, there were times when I wondered ...
If we would ever laugh, really laugh again...
If we could ever dig out of the despair and turmoil...
If we could ever forgive each other for all the errors we all made trying to deal with disaster...
How deep some of the wounds had cut and if we would ever stop bleeding...
If I could ever take or look at photos again...

I truly wondered if we would ever even make it some days and whether just "making it" was going to be enough...

The pictures below caught such a fun few moments that I had to share them. I have watched this clip about a hundred times and it makes me smile and LAUGH, really laugh, every time.

It proves that time does heal wounds... that family bonds are like no other... that we all have it in us to forgive... that one of life's hardest lessons is that life is not always fair but there may be something better around the corner... that what doesn't kill you, does make you stronger... that siblings truly have a bond beyond explanation...
and to all of you who wish you could be here with us everyday and can't, that we truly all are healing and growing and moving on. With baby steps... Minute by minute, day by day!

P.S. I hope you laugh as you watch these two awesome kids together!! Ü

Brotherly and sisterly love!!

Brittany Kayla McGowan - class of 2009

As promised, here is one of Brit's graduation pictures... isn't she beautiful??? The years have flown by SO FAST! I cannot believe that my baby girl will graduate this year!!

(I am chuckling as I write because one of the reasons that I named her Brittany was so that she would not have a nick-name and there was no way to shorten it - but she has always been "Brit"!)

So many wonderful memories and moments to cherish... It seems like just yesterday she was toddlin around and climbing in the tub dumping shampoo all over herself, giving me her raised eyebrow look, and playing in her "poopie" car (Cozy coupe)!

I would have never guessed the intense love that I felt for her long before she was ever born. I just knew she was going to be a girl from the minute I found out I was pregnant... I sang to her and talked to her and loved every minute of my easy pregnancy. I could not WAIT for her to be born... I did not think that I could possibly love her more but then I held her in my arms for the first time and every minute of labor and waiting was worth it as I looked into her eyes. I remember hearing her cry in the nursery from my room and the nurses laughing at me as I hobbled down to get her because I could not be away from her. She stayed in my room from that moment on... and she had my heart forever!!

She has always taken the world by storm - my "extreme" child... that was two weeks over due, that came out bellowing letting the world know she was here, that wrapped everyone around their little finger when they met her, that felt things 100 times stronger than most, that barrels into every situation, that has NEVER been timid or afraid to try anything. As her mom, there has been pain and sadness and heartbreak BUT I have also been rewarded with "extreme" love and joy and happiness!!!! And that more than makes up for the hard spots of parenting this "extreme love of my life"... The years are a blur but I am so thankful for all the great moments... it has not always been easy raising a daughter in today's world but I am so blessed to have been her mom!!

I always think of that e-mail where a mom wishes her daughter "enough" - I have been granted more than "enough" with this beautiful young lady and for that I am so "extremely" grateful!! I look forward to watching her grow into a woman as she accomplishes so much this year!!

Watch out world - it is a new beginning Brit - you have the potential to do great things and I know you will!!

Attitude...

A good friend sent me this today... what a great reminder of what we all already know but it is worth pondering again... (sometimes on a daily basis!) Have a great day!

You can not control what happens to you but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you... and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

Two generations of friends

Aaron's fist homecoming date - at Bayport High school

Attached are some pictures of Aaron's first Homecoming date night... at Bayport High School! For those of you that don't know... one of my best friends in the whole world (Sue Anderson-Rymer) is Aaron's godmother and her second son Henry and Aaron have become pretty good buds through out our years of friendship. Aaron and "Hank the tank" connived so that he could go spend the weekend for Bayports homecoming festivities and to allow him to say yes to Kelsy (who he met at LLBC) because she had asked him to the dance.

I have to admit that I was nervous to drop him off at the football game on Friday night. Just knowing that he was only aquainted with two kids that were going to be there and it was a whole new school!

Ofcourse, Mr. Social did just fine and had an absolute blast! He even went with Hank on Saturday morning to decorate for the dance so that his "date" could get her ticket money back as he then got in for free. I went back up on Saturday night and met "the group" and got some pictures of the big event! Great group of kids - Aaron looked like he knew them all for years as they were hamming it up for pictures with the adults! Kelsy was very nice and polite - very tiny and petite next to Aaron especially!!!!

Last night, Aaron talked NON-STOP (in the hot tub ofcourse!!) about all the fun he had!!

Very sporadic blogger, that would be me...

When I checked the date of my last blog, I was embarrassed...I apologize... I am not too consistent with this blogging thing! And yes, Brittany does live in our house too (hard to tell because there are few pics) but she will never let me take her picture! We did just order her graduation pics and I promise to post one as soon as they come in. There were 94 proofs and they were phenomenal!! Funny because people always tell me that she looks so much like me but I have never truly seen it... until I went to get her proof book! Unreal! Almost scary actually!

A little on Brit - I am so proud of how far she has come... it has almost been six months since "the incident" and she truly has come a long way. AND she has done it almost all on her own! Next week she will go for her drug and alcohol assessment FINALLY! How frustrating - you would think that in a world of so many messed up kids, there would be an urgency to get them in a program or to get them some help but the system takes forever! BUT she has had two random tests recently and has tested clean, has almost paid off all her fines, has completed her community service, has all A's and a C in school (MUCH improved from last year), is applying to college and continues to work almost full time at Shopko in the optical dept.
But most importantly, I see signs of the Brittany that we knew before the drugs and rebellion. Somewhere that little girl is still in there - the one that always had to have me kiss her good night, the one that had such a "special" relationship with the grandma and grandpa Mattison, the one whose smile could light up the room, the one who loved to color... I see glimpses and each day she is softer and more able to open up!! And each time I see her make these small steps, my heart gets a little softer and I am better able to forgive her for what she did and the heartache that resulted. We are still dealing with court dates and fallout from the events so it has not "gone away" and won't for awhile BUT we are closer and for that I am so thankful!! I still pray every day (sometimes a hundred times a day) for strength for both of us to make it through - one day at a time!! (And to be honest, sometimes... one minute at a time!) I am hoping that her progress continues. Each day, I try to reinforce how proud of her I am and how much I will always love her... no matter what!
She will get it... I have faith!

My "Little" Drummer Boy

Not the best picture but you can see how handsome that smiling drummer is!! This was his first halftime show and he did great! He led his row AND even participated in the extra drumline portion! Seeing him all dressed up and so grown up, I had tears in my eyes. Let me tell ya, this was one proud mama!!
Here is the rest of the story... All year, Aaron begged me to let him quit band. I kept telling him that he was too good to quit and that he should give high school band a try for at least a year. THEN Uncle Bruce let Cody quit trombone - you can imagine how bad the pressure from Aaron got after that!! BUT he went to summer tryouts AND liked them a lot... talked non-stop about practice and couldn't wait to see what type of instrument he would get assigned. He was sure it would be the cymbals or something easy, not a drum because "no freshmen ever get a drum, mom" But guess what? He was also the first freshman in five years to get a snare drum and talk about proud!! He reeaallllyy was!! And he will be the first to tell you how much he loves band and he even admits that "good ole mom" was RIGHT in making him stay in!!

The last year

When I think back to everything we have survived in the last year, I cannot help but realize that somehow, I am still able to be thankful to God for his timing. He truly never allowed me to endure more than he knew I was capable of handling and really, truly - so many things could have been much worse. I am still trying to pray daily and reach for strength deep down inside of me. It has been hard for me to "forgive" many actions of those that I thought were so close to me and knew me so well - so well that they knew how to hurt me the most... BUT there are parts of me that can appreciate the trials because they have shown me that I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be. And truly, in some areas, I am in a much better spot than I was. It will only get better... each day I find more strength, determination and fortitude than the day before. I truly am thankful for EVERY prayer and good thought that have been sent my way. Keep them coming... I need each and every one.
I am headed home to hang with my kids for the whole weekend and to enjoy each of them for who they are. Just like me - not perfect but each unique in their own way. Sometimes this world expects us to be so perfect and everything that we are not. For today, and tomorrow - we get to just be US!!
As much as we all love the cabin and being on the go, I have to admit that the sound of doing "nothing" is wonderful as this is the only weekend all summer that has not been jammed packed!! Enjoy!!!

Aaron - my future lifeguard and resident fish

Aaron - also known as "scuba Steve"

He covered evey inch of the river looking for "treasures" I swear

My brothers

This picture was taken a couple of weeks ago at the cabin... I am so blessed to have the two best brothers in the whole world. This past year especially, they have both really been there for me and my kids, we would have been lost without them. I always know that I can pick up the phone at any time, night or day and they would be there for me in a heartbeat. I also am very grateful for their family values and the additional time they have taken to help mentor my kids, hang out with them, take them on road trips - along with backing up my parenting decisions as a single mom. I thank God for you both every day...

The Three Amigos

Blogging

I am new to this whole blogging thing and am learning as I go so bear with me... for the last year, I have not taken any pictures other than the two of my kids which are posted but feel the time is right to start again. It has been a long, difficult year with many changes and discoveries along the way. My life is NO WHERE near where I thought I would be a year ago today BUT... "It is... what it is..." my new favorite saying because it says it so well!!
You may not agree with what I write... you may have an opinion of me for all that has happened... and you are entitled. Please understand that although I have not always chosen my "path" I have tried to walk that path with joy, a reckless abandon where love is concerned and have always thrown "all of me" into every new turn! I have been burned a few times but would not trade a moment and have few regrets! For today... I am learning that the path of being alone is not always a bad one... I have learned that in the quiet times, I have found more out about me than when I was being so busy trying to find myself. I have learned that I am so blessed with a wonderful, supportive family... and I have learned who my true friends are! There is nothing like the support of those closest to you... when someone can cry with you along with laugh with you, when they pick you up each time you fall down, when they pray for you daily, sometimes minute by minute to get you through the day... this is love!

My great kids