Finally... I feel like me again...

Saturday... I found "me" again...
I don't know why or how come or the reason or the timing or what took so darn long but something just clicked.
Maybe my mourning period is over, maybe it is called giving up and giving in, maybe all the times I "slapped" myself finally worked, maybe it is all the thousands of prayers, maybe I have decided that I have "wasted" enough time and maybe it is finally, just "TIME"...

Life goes on... time heals...

Don't get me wrong, it still frustrates me...
that someone could throw my life (and my kids life) into such a tailspin...
that choices and decisions were made that I had no say in....
that someone could break every promise they ever made...
that I gave my heart and 110% of myself, for what?...
that a blended family, could "unblend" so quickly...
that he "regrets his actions" everday...

That may sound bitter... I'm not... but it is raw... it is my pain.

More than anything, it makes me sad that I believed him, that I shared my kids, my family, my heart and our lives. Ultimately, he didn't deserve it... but I don't regret the time with Jen and Brooke. I hope I a made a difference in their lives that they will never forget. They did in mine!

Pete asked me if I hate him?? I don't and I can't but as I told him, I am still so deep down disappointed that he gave up - that sums it all. Along the way, I lost bits of respect but when that happened, when he threw in the towel... I lost all respect.

=Charlotte Elizabeth Aisse
I could never love where I could not respect...

I am not over him... I will probably never get over him... I am scared to death to ever think of "trusting" anyone again. My mom told me that it takes 3 years to get past a divorce. I believe that.
In my mind, there is no timeline... it takes experiencing every emotion, grief, frustration, question, memory - both good and bad.
BUT...
for today...
I have more good days than bad.
and I am thankful for the spot that we have landed.
I am done "wallowing"!
I am not "normal" but I probably never was! (I know my brothers and kids are laughing at that)

Whatever the reason... all I know is it sure feels good. :)
I really think it is called "peace"... I am at peace with where I am - for today.

Webster defines peace as
2: freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

I am getting there... slowly but surely. And looking forward to the future, for the first time in a long time. (((hugs))) to all of u!