Dad's illness

as those of you who know me best already know...
i am a mess...

my dad and I have always been SO close...
there has never been anyone that could measure up to him. ever.

i always knew that i would be a wreck when something happened to him...
i am a mess... I AM A MESS...
on the inside...

on the outside though...
i trudge on... i muddle through...

i...
organize the visits...
try to take care of mom...
go to work...
try to be there for aaron and brit...
sit with dad through the long dis-orienting nights...
stroke his hand and keep him calm...
ask the important, real questions...
blot his tears...
update the families...
make jokes and keep him smiling...
read him the many cards, his devotional and his favorite book, the bible...
take care of the flowers and try to cheer the room and appear busy...
keep smiling when his numbers are not good so he doesn't see the worry...
wipe his brow with a cool cloth when he looks wore out...
just stroke his forehead, when words are not enough...
give him the thumbs up when he hits small little goals that seem like huge accomplishments...
but...
i will be honest...
i have seen my dad suffer more than I hoped to in this lifetime...

the disease seems to have progressed too fast... and too far...
no one seems to know how to treat this awful awful process...
it has been a an un-believable roller coaster, some parts too scary to describe...
his doctors are trying options...
many, many, MANY wonderful people everywhere are praying...
he is fighting... we all are fighting...
but i have faced all the outcomes...
and i have faced that the disease may win.

dad ALWAYS told me that if he dropped on the side of the road running, i had better not try to bring him back...
i have always known, felt and respected his relationship with his JESUS...
i know that he is ready when he is called home...
i just secretly, selfishly hope beyond hope sometimes, that it is not for a long, long time.

my dad has taught me SO much in my lifetime...
he has always lived north of me for my adult life so I call him my "north star"...
last year he placed a cross in a special place where i can go to talk to his JESUS...
and to talk to him when he is gone... who does that?

NO MATTER WHAT has happened to me in my life... he has always been there.
but come to find out - he has been there for SO many people...
it is so hard to imagine him falling...
but he is so loved, by so so many!!

It is not hard for me to imagine what my heavenly father will be like - i think he will be very much like my dad.
My best words to describe what has set my dad apart as a person but mostly as a man are the following words...

Nothing is as strong as gentleness, Nothing is as gentle as real strength

I am so thankful for each moment that JESUS gives me with my strong, gentle, real strength - my dad...