my life, these days

it seems that every time I start to feel hopeful…
like I can breathe a little easier…
and sleep again…
just when I think I start to feel the sun on my face…
that the shadows and dark days are behind us…
and I am looking toward the horizon, hoping for better days…
then…

whamo!

we are talking awful news…
vivid details…
devastating words…
heartbreaking visuals…
dream shattering actions…
out of the clear blue!

things that a mother should not have to hear…
or know…
because…
they should not be happening.

countless times…
in the past year…
monday… again??
it keeps happening…
when will it stop???

and each time, it takes a little more out of me…
each time, it is a longer process…
to recover…
to forgive…
and heal.

I have known others…
who have been forced to travel a similar road…
that have suffered as they watched their children’s mistakes…
or their grand children’s…
but I could have NEVER, NEVER have imagined how hard it is…
or how much it hurts…
or how absolutely helpless I could feel…
and disappointed…
and hopeless…

there are no rules…
or roadmaps…
or designated time frames…
and sometimes…
the tunnel seems endless…
and I wonder how long it will be until I see even the smallest glimmer of light at the end?